Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The Fear Of Rejection

The fear of rejection came true to today at our appointment. I have been rejected for the IVF
study due to my weight, I do not have the perfect BMI and so even though I have had success with IVF, I had a successful pregnancy and IVF is the best way for us to have a child I am rejected and will not be able to take part in this study and possibly get pregnant for a much lower cost. (Of course we could pay the regular amount and do IVF tomorrow...we do not have that kind of $ and so that is not possible) I am so disappointed, I tried so hard in the office to hold back the tears and it was so emotional for me I could not. The nurse was so sweet and reassuring that there are other studies they do do all the time and maybe after losing some weight we could try another study.

Yes that is true, I am just SO MAD. Why do we always have the disappointments? Why do I struggle with my weight, why do I have to rely on IVF to have my babies. Yes this is my pity party WHY, WHY, WHY??????

As I look down and watch my miracle baby play even though my heart is breaking right now that we may never be able to make her a big sister I do realize what a blessing & miracle she is and I am so thankful I have her.

I am sorry if I was supposed to call you after the appointment or if you call & I do not answer. I am not in a talking mood please do not be offended. This is hard enough and now I have to explain to people that knew we were going to try and do this and unless you have dealt with being overweight you will never now how embarrassing that is to tell someone you were rejected because you are FAT!

I will be deleting the donation buttons and refunding all money donated. Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness.

So now what??? Well Scott said on the way home we can still try the "normal" way! Yes we can and we will, and hope that we will not face another ectopic. Please pray for us and if it God's will we will be blessed with another healthy pregnancy when it is supposed to be!


Jess said...

That is so unfair. My heart breaks for you. I have a feeling that you will be blessed with another baby. Hugs to you!

Kim said...

I am sorry. I hurt for you because you are hurting. It is not your fault-it just means God has a different plan-UGH! I know, but just look at Izzie and know it will work out not just okay but for the BEST. (Meanwhile-have yourself a pity party! You deserve to!)
Why not try and raise the money for a regular IVF??????
I am very sorry.
I love you and am praying for you tonight.

Kim said...

Scott's advice sounds like fun to me!!!
I know you fear the ectopic-I can only imagine how hard that would be for you to chance or go through again.
But, maybe you could raise IVF or even adoption money?? I know God will guide you and make everything clear-excited to see blessings for the Collins family.

Staci said...

You keep your thoughts positive and everything will work out. I have the same fear of Logan not being a big brother some day, but I keep telling myself that God had a plan all along for us and He has one for you guys too!!


CBJR Family said...

I am sorry that it did not go as you had hoped today. I hate that you have to go through such a hard time and rejection is the worst! You can be mad at God! He can handle it! I believe in my heart that Izzie will be a big sister! Don't give up! I will continue to pray for God's will for the Collins family! I love you!!

The Sanchez Family said...

My heart breaks for you. I know that just saying that I am sorry is not enough for you, but I am truly sorry. I too feel like God has a plan for the Collins family. Yell, scream, cry, get it all out. Izzy will have a chance to be a big sister one day, I just know it. I will be praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Keep on raising money; no one I bet expects a refund. You had a great idea, go with it. You just have to raise a little more money than you thought. SO WHAT! YOU CAN DO IT. You keep raffling off quilts and whatever else Scott's mom can make. This WILL happen. PERIOD. I love you. Rhonda J

Anonymous said...

Hello, New here. I'm sorry about the news from your RE. It is sort of like adding insult to injury. Hang in there, and try not to give up. Thinking of you.

Jennifer said...

I am sorry for the hurt you are feeling. I will definitely be in prayer for you guys!

Brenda Bland said...

I am so sorry to hear about your disappointing news. Always remember Romans 8:28. This passage has carried me through especially with all the bad things that have come my way.This year alone has been no exception.
I think of you often.

Jessica said...

You had one miracle baby and you can (and will) do it again! Sometimes all you need is time and money! One is easy to come by and the other is not! Keep on raffling stuff and I'll keep thinking of great fundraisers! You have lots of people rooting for you and Scott, and most importantly God is on your side! Keep working at it, and try to have patience (something I do not have as you know). Hugs, Jessica